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Gazette 1995-07-30
Articles | Archives | Gazette | 1995 Gazettes | Gazette 1995-07-30 Part 1/2
   The Farside Gazette                 Vol II, No. 9 July 30th 1995
   (A Sunlight Through The Shadows Production)
  The Farside Gazette is published twice a month by AsaMaro in
  conjunction with (and full permission of) The Farside Staff

  The Gazette is written in 100% pure ASCII to assure maximum
  compatibility for all readers using whatever system they use

  Subscribe by writing to gazette@atinc.com and including the
  following in the body of your note: subscribe gazette <mud name>

  Telnet to Farside at: mud.atinc.com 3000
  The Gazette Staff: AsaMaro, Marat, Arundel and TMeat.
  The entire contents are copyrighted (c) 1995, Joe DeRouen.
  All rights reserved.  Individual articles not written by
  Joe DeRouen are also copyrighted (c) 1995 by the individual
  in question.  Any unauthorized reproduction (or changing of said
  contents) of the Gazette without fully expressed written
  permission will result in prosecution to the fullest extent
  of the law.

                     Table of Contents

                Page   1        Introduction
                Page   1        Table of Contents
                Page   2        AsaMaro's Editorial
                Page   3        Back Issue Notice
                Page   3        Player Bio: Gin
                Page   3        Immortal Bio: Zane
                Page   4        Wanderings by Marat
                Page   6        Sex by TMeat
                Page  14        Farside Review by Joe DeRouen
                Page  17        Farside Memories by Flute
                Page  19        Newbies Ask by Arundel
                Page  21        Day Old Goblin
Fodder by Marik
                Page  24        Interview Prime Assassin by Sorrow
                Page  25        Farside Birthdays by Ambrosia
                Page  26        Farside News


                 *  The Farside Gazette *

The last issue of the Gazette set the record for the largest ever; this
issue sets the record for the *latest* ever.  Yes, we're into breaking
records here at The Farside Gazette . . .

Actually, it wasn't all my fault.  Despite the fact that I was behind on
my other (paying) writing deadline, I'd dearly wanted to work on the
Gazette.  Unfortunately, Sprintlink conspired against me and kept making
me (and half of the Internet, apparently) lose mail, unable to telnet,
and other atrocious crimes.  Thus, the Gazette was delayed even further.

It's here now, though.  Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this.  I'd
like to thank Marat, Tmeat, Arundel, Marik, Flute, Gin, Sorrow, Zane,
and Ambrosia for their contributions to this issue.  If it wasn't for
them . . . well, this issue would be even later than it is.

                   *         *        *

This issue, Marat, Tmeat, and Marik continue their respective essays and
articles on the life and times of Farside.  Arundel answers even more
newbies with another Newbies Ask, and Gin and Zane are profiled in this
issues' Farside Player Profiles.  Flute recollects her memories of
Farside as a mortal (congrats on IMMing, Flute!), while Sorrow
interviews an assassin from Underdark.  Lastly, I've included a review
that of The Farside that I wrote for Computer Currents Magazine.  It was
published in CC in July 1995.

                   *         *        *

Yes, I'm still working on some guidelines for submissions to the
Gazette.  I'll post on FS and in the next issue of the Gazette how to
get the document once I'm finished with it.

                   *         *        *

Starting next issue, The Farside Gazette will be serviced by the same
listserv program used for Merc and Forum discussion groups.  Yes, you'll
have to resubscribe.  Write to: gazette@atinc.com and include the
following in the body of your message:

     subscribe gazette <your mud name>

Thanks to all of you for reading,



                 Back Issues of The Farside Gazette

Back issues of the Gazette are now available for FTP at atinc.com in
/pub/mud/gazette .  While you're scuttling about the internet, check out
Farside's WWW page at http://tick.atinc.com/mud.html.  Check out the
Farside Players' WWW page at http://www.crl.com/~lsaiken/far.html.


                   * Farside Player Bio *

Name: Gin                     FS Age: 40 RL: 23
Race: Half-Elf            Class: Martial Artist   Current Level: 23

Interests: Hmmm...interesting concept,to have some sort of interest. I
know! I read,basic SciFi/Fantasy stuff. And I mud,but that's a given. I
also have a job at a grocery store(yuck).  I attend school at Henderson
State University in Arkadelphia Arkasas sporatically to try and finish
up my Psych degree sometime in this century. I've lived in Arkasas my
entire life-in Arkadelphia the last 10 years or so.  I also enjoy the
more "social" pursuits in life.  i'd have to say pretty much that my
main goal right now is just to be with my friends and try and have a
good time...you only live once.

Advice: Help others! You never know when that newbie you're giving a
hand to today will be able to return the favor 100 times when he/she
gets up a few more levels.  But mainly I'd like to say---just have a
good time.  That's all the advise I think you should need.


                   * Farside Immortal Bio *

Name: Zane Grey.            Age: XX  (RL) 20
Race: Drow              Class: Cleric           Current level: 59

Interests and Background:
    Well..... Born in Bundaberg, Qld, Australia, Brendan travelled much
of the state with his teacher father (and mother and sister), until
settling in Noosa (a tourist town on the coast... come see! bring lots of
money!) Currently, a fourth year Medical Student at the University of
Queensland in Brisbane, Australia.

    Takes (too much) time out to spend on the Internet.... most of it at
the FarSide in one guise or another. Otherwise you can find him watching
movies... reading novels (if you've participated in his trivia quests you
know what kind)...... and trying to perfect the teenage angst
thing...... (a bit late.... but "Hey! I have it down better than anyone I

    Currently trying to invent a new style of music based on equal parts
Def Leppard, Baby Animals and Penny Flanagan... and failing miserably.
Futute ambitions: To teach all people the basis of a mature civilization.
                : To help mankind reach the stars.
                : To get around to writing a webpage....

Advice to Other Players:

Explore! Find cool stuff!  (fer instance... those 100hp scrolls that
noone else seemed to know about helped me cruise the 30s.....)

Talk! Make friends! Grouping is a great way to do this.... the people I
grouped with in the teens and early 20s are still friends.... we met,
faced and conquered this MUD together..... of course by now I still have
a lot MORE friends.... (actually one of my best friends (not MUD friends,
but friend <full-stop>) I met due to popping in on a random person to
help.... friends keep you going when the levelling gets hard.... friends
help you out.... friends are cool......

Come on in the early mornings FS time.... since I'm 14 hours ahead.... I
don't see most people.....

Read the help files...
<a> gives you something to do while healing,
<b> makes you sound like you know what you are doing,
<c> helps you know what you are doing... I learnt quite a few nifty
features from the help files....

Be nice to people...
FarSide is a great MUD because of the people.... if you are nasty it'll
come back on you (just like RL)... if you are friendly, etc people are
friendly back... you and everyone else enjoys it just that critical bit
To mis-quote a recent season finale of "Picket Fences"...
FarSide is great because "people give just a bit more than they take."

Take time out to watch Babylon 5.......


                    Wanderings of an Uninspired Reporter
                               by Marat

I knew it was time to write another article for the gazette. In fact,
well past time. Yet, as I sat on the rainbow in the astral plane, I
could think of nothing to write about.  As of late, no mobiles had
caught my interest. The discussion among immortals had reached a tedious
pitch in arguments about parry and wands and which class is or isn't
more powerful. I was uninspired.

I wandered to the practice yards in White Lotus hoping that some
concentration on my kung fu would help clear my mind.  The teacher was
patient and I moved deliberately with the rest of the well-trained
students.  I asked my teacher for some guidance, but he just looked
serenely at me and said, "young one, you know that all the answers you
need are found where the questions are."

In other words, I was the only one who would know. Great. Still no idea
what I should write about or who I should talk to. I used air travel to
wander some more, wondering as I flew if other players in the realm of
Farside realized the amazing shortcuts to be found there. I relaxed as I
flew high above Midgaard, glancing down at the towers and battlements.

For old times' sake, I wandered to the High Tower of Sorcery. I was a
mage in my mortal life and spent many enjoyable hours in the Tower;
retrieving good wands and staffs from the silver cabinets and killing
the Necromancer and his minions. Feeling sentimental, I wound my way up
the stairs and through the halls to the Necromancer's room. He was
surprised to see me, but smiled at me (in as much as he can smile) when
I walked in.

"How are you, my old foe?" I asked poking him in the ribs.

"Same old, same old," he said. "The skeletons are getting on my nerves
and that giant has the brain of a pea, but I get the occasional visitor
to wile away the time."

I grinned and killed him, also for sentimental reasons. I fingered the
finely-woven fabric of the dark cowl I looted from his corpse and hefted
the feel of the wand he always carried. I had spent my time in my
mid-20s here, killing the necromancer over and over. He had a lovely
habit of fleeing, which was tiresome but rarely fatal to me.

I popped over to the West gate of New Thalos to see if there is any
gossip among the guards there. Eight guards are gathered just inside the
west gate, gruffly chatting, trying to pass the time. I ask them if
being a guard is tedious.

The biggest guard rolls his eyes dramatically and snorts, "No, it is
such fun, lassie. And my feet are never tired of standing all day."

He guffaws at his feeble attempt at sarcasm and I smile back gamely,
playing along since he is the one holding the scimitar.  The other
guards join in the chuckle and I hear mumblings of agreement. It is a
tedious job, the time punctuated only by visitors and harassing the
alley cats that wander by. I realize that my search for an interesting
article subject is getting a bit tedious in its own right and shake my
head hoping to find an inspired thought rattling around in there.

In frustration, I return to my studio to work on my latest painting. As
I pour some turpentine into the brush jar, my cat, Pandora rubs against
my legs and begins whining. I am prompted to stop what I'm doing and
find her some food. I pop over to the zoo keeper's house in the petting
zoo and kill a couple of mice for my cat. I return with my gift and
watch Pandora purr happily over the little mouse corpses. She is kind of

Holding a brush, dripping with red paint, and staring at the canvas, I
realize that even with my complete lack of inspiration, I have still
managed to produce an article. My wanderings were pleasant. I talked to
a few people and saw a few sights. Perhaps for the next gazette I will
have found a worthy interview subject, but until then, I think I will
just wander.


by Tmeat

        I was lamenting at Aelmon's, groaning over my last piece.  The
expose on the beastly fidos hadn't gone over too well.  People would walk up
to me in the streets of Midgaard and say 'your article sure was funny.'
What was funny about the torture of the fidos by the sexually repressed
Fix-it Floyd?  I swear, sometimes I wonder about the morals of the denizens
of Farside.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Betty the Wanderer is here.
LongDong arrives from the east.
LongDong gives Betty a long and passionate kiss.
Betty snarls at LongDong, for some reason.
Betty leaves west.
LongDong leaves west.

        "Ah, young lovers," I sighed, then turned my attention to the
future.  Perhaps I could do an article on the remapping of the world - that
botched up, hacked, ill-timed, sloppy piece of work.  Just because Farside
was now layed out in a logical manner and was easier to navigate didn't mean
it was a good idea.  I quite enjoyed being lost and confused in the old
world, stumbling into areas that would rip my head off before I could say
'oops.'  Being spammed by newbies at Aelmon was one of my fondest memories.
How dare the immortals try to make it easier for us!
        But, no, on second thought, someone else would probably do a piece
on it.  I had to be original.  Hmm.  Political correctness!  That was an
original idea.  Yeah.  But not race against race.  That was old.  Everyone
knows that everyone hates everyone else.  But sexual discrimination.  Yeah.
That was entirely new!
        I trotted off to the Armourer to see if he had heard any 'dirt.'  He
was standing behind his counter, staring blankly at the door.
        "Hey there, how are you doing?"
        "Sorry, come back tomorrow," he droned.
        "But I want to ask you something,"
        "Sorry, come back tomorrow."
        I grizzled my teeth.  Some help.  He wasn't doing anything.  Just
standing.  Not stock taking.  Not sleeping.
        "Fine," I huffed, "I'll remember this and write and scathing article
about the quality of your goods."
        "Sorry, come back tomorrow."
        "Putz," I muttered under my breath and wandered back into the
streets of Midgaard.  At Aelmon's I stumbled into Harlie.

<411hp 214m 350mv> look harlie
A marvel of hologrammatic technology...
This apparent half-elf looks acts and fights like the real thing...
(or maybe a little better...)
You surmise the computer controlling this wonder must be truely awesome...
It is humming to itself...
HARLIE is in perfect health.

        "Hey Harlie, don't you think that is out of period?"
        "Huh?" he looked at me.
        "You know, like the SCAers say, 'mundane?'"
        "I don't see what you are getting at."
        "Never mind.  I need some help."
        "Shoot," he sighed.
        "I'm doing an article on sex."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
HARLIE nods its head solemnly.
HARLIE says 'thought so'

        I blinked.  What did he mean by that?  Did he think I was sexually
depraved?  Why would he immediately assume I was doing an article on sex?  I
really thought off storming off in a fume.
        "I hear some things are going on in New Thalos," he wiggled his
eyebrows at me.  I was off like a dash to the east.
        I was back again.  Damn remapping.  I dashed off to the south.
        But was back again.  Damn glitch.  I dashed off to the west, then
the south, then east, the south.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
LongDong the well endowed! is here.
Betty the Wanderer is here.
Betty says 'Stop following me!'
Betty leaves north.
LongDong leaves north.

        Panting, I stumbled into New Thalos, needing a drink.  The Dancing
Daemon Inn offered a good assortment of drinks, then I went into the
reception area.

<411hp 214m 316mv> u
The Reception Area
[Exits: down]
You are now standing in the reception of New Thalos. A huge mahogany
desk is here along with two sofas and a coffee table stacked high with
The plush carpeting under your feet is a nice change from the rugged paths
you are used to traveling. A chrome stairway spirals downstairs to the
tavern of the Dancing Daemon Inn, and your future adventures in New Thalos.
A dark skinned, veiled woman greets you from behind the desk.

<411hp 214m 350mv> look receptionist
This arabian beauty is obviously the daughter of some high ranking
official. As you attempt to sneak a peek under her veil you notice
a small moon-shaped birthmark on her left cheek.
The receptionist is in perfect health.

        I smiled.  "Hi.  Harlie sent me.  About the sex."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
The receptionist slaps you.

        "I didn't mean THAT," I rubbed my cheek, "I'm researching sex, and I
thought you could help me."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
The receptionist screams and attacks!
The receptionist decimates you.

        "Whoa whoa whoa!" I screamed.  She blinked at me innocently.
        "I just want to talk."
        "That will cost you extra."
        I blinked.  "No.  I am a reporter."
        She leaned back in her chair.  "I though Marat did that."
        I sighed.  "I don't do interviews.  I investigate."
        She shrugged.  "If you want to know about sex, that randy old
bastard Sultan could tell you a thing or two."
        "Not the act itself, just sexual discrimination."
        "And a harem doesn't qualify as that?" she chewed the eraser on her
        "Harem?  Where?"
        "The Palace of course, but . . . "
        I was off like a shot.  I knew there was some sexual discrimination
around.  Ha.  Sex slaves.  That was more like it.  I crossed the street and
entered the Palace.
        It was a grandiose place, with gold and spires and twisting
corridors.  Then I heard an announcement that the Sultan was receiving
petitioners.  I stood in line, the finally was granted an audience.

Throne Room
[Exits: north east south]
You stand in the throne room of the mighty Sultan of New Thalos. Guards
stand at attention near his side ready to make the ultimate sacrifice for
their beloved leader. The gold inlaid throne studded with jewels stands
upon a marble dais. The Sultan is not a man to be trifled with.
The Sultan rests here on his throne.

<402hp 214m 350mv> look sultan
You see a large wealthy man in red robes smiling at you.
The Sultan is in perfect health.

        "I've got a few questions about your involvement in the supression
of the female species," I shot at him.
        "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true," he nodded
at me.
        "Excuse me?"
        "Or is it that the flagon with the dragon has the wine that is
        "I want a statement from you regarding sexual harassment and the
practice of enslaving women."
        "Bing Crosby is good sometimes, but I just love Danny Kaye movies,
don't you?" he smiled at me.
        "Sir, I want to . . ."
        "And that topakitah-topakitah machine in Walter Mitty.  Oh joy!
That was great!"
        "But sir . . ."
        "There was another movie with a topakitah machine in it.  I think it
had Jack Lemmon in it.  How to Kill your Wife, or something like that?"
        "Kill your wife?"  I gulped, quickly scribbling words on my pad.
"So you murdered your wife?"
        "Never been married," he said.  I sighed, ripping up the paper.
"But I think Danny Kaye was.  Did you ever see that circus movie he was in?
Or that movie where their were TWO Danny Kayes, but one of them was dead and
followed him around as a spirit?"
        "Sir, I would like to get back to . . ."
        He steeled his eyes at me.  "You do like Danny Kaye, don't you?"
        I sighed.  "I think he was an over-rated hack."
        The Sultan jumped out of his chair and leveled a finger at me.
"Infidel!  Guards!  Remove him from my presence!"
        They dragged me screaming from the room.
        I wandered around the palace, cursing under my breath, but then
happened upon just the place that would land me in journalism history.

<402hp 214m 350mv> w
[Exits: north east south]
This is the room where the Sultan keeps the beautiful women of his palace.
There are ten girls here lying about the room dressed in silks you can
almost see through. In the western end of the room stands a large mound
of pillows and a beautiful young maiden sits perched atop. It is
unfortunate for you that only the Sultan is allowed in here.
Nichole, the sultan's favorite girl rests on a mound of pillows.
An Elite Royal Guard stands here smiling happily.
A lovely, veiled harem girl stands here.
A eunuch stands here watching over the girls.
A lovely, veiled harem girl stands here.
A lovely, veiled harem girl stands here.
A lovely, veiled harem girl stands here.
A lovely, veiled harem girl stands here.
A eunuch stands here watching over the girls.
A eunuch stands here watching over the girls.
A eunuch stands here watching over the girls.
A eunuch ****ATOMIZES**** you!
You flee! What a COWARD! You lose 10 exps.

<3hp 214m 348mv>

        "TALK ABOUT RUDE!" I screamed.
        "Can't you read?" a eunuch yelled at me from the other room.
        "I just want to ask a few questions!"
        "Hold on," a sweet voice filtered through the air.

Nichole, the sultan's favorite arrives from the east.

<3hp 214m 342mv> look nichole
You see the most beautiful arabian girl that has ever met your eyes. Too
bad she's about to kill you.
Nichole, the sultan's favorite is in perfect health.

        "Uh, never mind," I started to type in flee.
        She smile.  "I'm not really bad, I'm just written that way."
        I blinked.  "Um . . . I want to know about sexual harassment."
        "Writing a 'How To' guide?"
        I blinked.  "No.  An article.  I want to know about how the Sultan
harasses you and the rest of the slaves."
        "Harass?" she laughed.  "Never happened?"
        "But . . . but you are a sex slave?"
        She laughed again.  "Slave, maybe.  Sex, no."
        "But doesn't he . . ."
        "Never.  You see, he's got this 'problem.'"
        Oh, my ears perked up.  "Impotent?"
        She shook her head.  "No.  Danny Kaye . . . "
        I stuffed my notepad in my ring of holding.  Great.  I was barking
up the wrong tree.
        She stroked her finger across my chin.  "However, if you have a few
minutes . . ."
        I blushed.  "Uh . . . I'm married to a fine lizardwoman."
        She cocked her head and smile.  "No silly.  I've always wanted to be
interviewed by Gazette . . ."
        I sighed.  "I'm sorry.  I don't do that.  Marat does it. . . "

        I was back at Aelmon's lamenting my fate.  The two lovebirds were
there as well.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
LongDong the well endowed! is here.
Betty the Wanderer is here.
LongDong says 'Come on, put "LongDong is my special friend" in your title!'
Betty leaves north.
LongDong leaves north.

        I just wanted to do a simple article on the sexual bias in Farside.
But Noooooo.  Surely it wasn't that hard to find.  I started to think.
Harlie had helped before.  Maybe he could help again.

TMeat chats 'HARLIE!  I need help!'.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Zane canters in on the Deathsteed.

        "Sorry," Zane said, "Harlie can't help you now."
        "Why?" I asked.
        Look at me," he snickered.

<411hp 214m 350mv>Look Zane
Judging by his equipment,
This person is involved in medical practice.
(At least you Hope he is....)
Zane is in perfect health.

Zane is using:
<used as light>     (Glowing) A Smoldering Patchouli Incense
<worn on finger>    corpse of Lace
<worn on finger>    corpse of Reemul
<worn around neck>  (Glowing) A stethoscope.
<worn on body>      (Glowing) A flowing black silk shirt.
<worn on head>      (Glowing) A set of black earphones.
<worn on legs>      (Glowing) Black, acid-wash jeans.
<worn on feet>      (Glowing) Soft, black, leather boots.
<worn on hands>     (Glowing) A pair of used surgical gloves.
<held in offhand>   (Glowing) (Humming) A box of Barbeque Shapes.
<worn about body>   (Magical) (Glowing) A yellow stained labcoat.
<worn about waist>  A black leather belt.
<worn on wrist>     corpse of Circ
<worn on wrist>     corpse of HARLIE
<wielded>           (Glowing) (Humming) Harrisons' Internal Medicine.
<held>              corpse of Drakahn

        "Oh," I gulped.
        "Was playing with oset yesterday," he laughed.
        "Nevermind.  What do you want?"

        "I want to know about sex . . ."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Zane has transfered you...

        ". . . ual bias in Farside," I continued.  I looked around.
Something was not right.

<411hp 214m 350mv>look
Paying Room
[Exits: west]
This is the room where one pays for the services of the women and men of
this establishment.  A desk rests in the middle of the room and a chair sits
behind it.  A candle rests of the desk spreading it's soft circle of light
around most of the room leaving only the corners of the room dark. You
notice a sign on the wall.
The only exit is the door to the west.
(Red Aura) A man sits behind the desk waiting for you to pay for the

<411hp 214m 350mv> look man
This the pimp of the girls and guys of this establishment.  He wears
expensive jewelry and has a few gold teeth.  He seems nice enough here
but you realize that he must be a terror to his underlings. The pimp is in
perfect health.

        PIMP!  No!  This is not what I wanted!  Not at all!

<411hp 214m 350mv> recall
You are cursed and unable to recall!

        Oh great.  I ran out of the room and tried to recall again.  No
dice.  I was in Underdark.

<411hp 214m 350mv> e
Whoring Area
[Exits: south west]
This is the northeast corner of the room.  Soft cushions still cover the
as do all kind of beds.  In some of these beds you can see the movements
of couples in the act of reproduction.  You also hear faint moans coming
from all around.  Intermingled with the smell of incense is the smell of
The room goes on south and west
A truly beautiful woman offers to serve your every desire

        Whoring Area!  Oh dear.  Whatever would the wife think!  I screamed
for help.  None came.

<411hp 214m 346mv> look woman
This woman is dressed in what you think is a maid's costume.  She is very
beautiful and her shape awakens your desire.  She looks disappointed
when she realizes that you haven't paid for her services and ignores you
from then on.
A maid of passion is in perfect health.

        Well.  Hmm.  I smiled at her.  Something about her was effecting me.
But suddenly I realized something.  I was married.
        "Oh . . ."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Zane has transfered you...

        ". . . heck,"
        I was suddenly back at Aelmon's.
        "Sorry, did I interrupt you?" Zane looked at me.
        "No," I sat on the ground and pouted.
        "So I take it you didn't learn about sex?"
        I sighed.  "That's not what I wanted.  I wanted to find evidence of
sexual bias in Farside.  Descrimination.  You know."
        "Oh," Zane blushed, "I see.  Well then . . ."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Zane has transfered you...
[Exits: west]
This is the personal room of the draconian king.  It is not empty.
(Incarnation Aura) Zane Grey is here.
A Human slave is here, hard at work.
A Human slave is here, hard at work.
A Human slave is here, hard at work.
(Red Aura) (White Aura) A Female Draconian sits, here, looking very

<411hp 214m 350mv> look slave
He looks like he's under a lot of stress.  He would probably like it if you
left him alone.
A human slave is in perfect health.

<411hp 214m 350mv> look draconian
This draconian looks VERY busy as she orders her slaves around.  You think
it might be a good idea to leave her alone.
The Draconian Queen is in perfect health.

        I blinked.
        "I don't think I want to see this," I gulped.
        "You don't want to write about this?" Zane waved his hand at the
room's occupants.
        "Not really.  It's a Family Mud.  Or, at least I used to THINK it
was.  I'm not too sure anymore," I sighed.
        "Sorry I couldn't help," Zane said, and transferred me back to
        I sighed.  I was tired.  I was tense.  This was getting me no where.
Not one, single scrap of evidence of sexual harrassment in the mud.  My
career was over.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
LongDong got lucky! is here.
Elessay the Mage is here.
LongDong says 'she did too!  it was fun!'
Elessay says 'I don't think you should be talking about things like that in
LongDong says 'What do you know, you're just a virgin.'
Elessay puts his fingers in his ears.
Elessay leaves north.

        I bit my scaly lip.  Not one verifiable bit of evidence for sexual
harassment.  Not even a hint.  And my whole body hurt.  I needed a massage.
After a bit of searching, I was suprised to end up back at the house of
ill-repute in the Underdark.
        The french maid pummelled my thick, green skin with a mace as I told
her my plight.
        "I think you are looking in the wrong place for sexual harassment,"
        "You are looking for sexual harrassment amongst the mobs.  If I were
you, I would look to the players."
        Clearly, the woman was mad.  "How do you figure that?"  She smacked
my on the back with a flail.  It felt good.
        "Think about it.  It DOES happen."
        "How so?"
        "Oh, you know, guys get a bit TOO friendly - so friendly that it's
not friendly anymore."
        She obviously WAS mad.  "How could a person be TOO friendly?"
        "You know.  Unwanted attention.  Suggestive socials.  Following a
female without permission."
        "I've never seen anything like that," I told her.
        "And then it can get worse.  Really crude advances.  Taking a woman
to some secluded spot and unloading a bunch of ill phrased, rude emotes on
her.  Getting into fights when any other male comes near.  Really nasty
        I searched my mind.  No.  I definitely had never seen anything like
what she was describing.
        "And then there are the lies that come after.  Guys will tell other
guys all kinds of things that never really happened, if you get my drift."
        "No, I don't," I shook my head.  But I decided to play along with
her.  "So, how do you know all of this stuff?"
        "Oh, we mobs see everything that goes on.  It's rare - but many
people don't know how to handle it.  Men sometimes don't know what is
appropriate behavior.  And women sometimes flirt - not knowing where it will
        I had had enough.  "You can't seriously be trying to tell me that
there is sexual discrimination between the players!"
        She looked at me as if I was insane or something.
        "There are 6 year old girls playing on this mud!  You can't tell me
that men actually make lewd comments at random women knowing that!  They
would have to be utterly creepy!"
        She blinked.  "It gets worse.  Sometimes men play women, and they
speficically come on to men."

<411hp 214m 350mv>
TMeat faints.

        "You can't be serious," I said when I recovered.  "This has got to
be a joke.  Where is the candid camera?"  I started rumagaing through the
        "No it's true."
        "You are sick.  This isn't funny."  I stomped out.  I couldn't
believe it.  I had wasted the entire day for nothing.  And it had culminated
in the sick and twisted fantasies of a woman dressed up like a french maid.
        I stumbled home, dog tired.  My wife greeted me at the cave door.
Her eyes widened and she sniffed me.
        "Perfume!" she screamed and killed me.

        Later I was healing at Aelmon's, trying to make something from my
notes.  Not a thing.  Nothing.  Then the divorce papers arrived.

<21hp 214m 350mv>
TMeat sighs.

<411hp 214m 350mv>
Betty the Wanderer arrives from the east
LongDong arrives from the east.
Betty snarls at LongDong, for some reason.
LongDong says 'come on baby, i got what you need.'
Betty says 'If you don't stop, I'm going to tell an Imm.'
LongDong says 'ha, those boneheads don't scare me.'
Betty fumes.
The fabric of reality bursts open and LongDong is ripped angrily away.

        Hmm, I thought.  There is a story idea.  I quickly took out a blank
piece of paper and started my article, "Arbitrary Jailings by the Imms: An


Farside MUD Review
by Joe DeRouen

Have you ever wanted to adventure through strange and dangerous lands?
Slay huge dragons?  Do battle against an army of ogres?  Have you ever
yearned to use great magic, to save maidens fair, and to search out
ancient hidden treasures?

If you have, and you have Internet access, you've probably tried to
satisfy a few of those urges playing a MUD.  For the uninformed, MUD
stands for Multi-User Dungeon (or Multi-User Dimension, depending upon
whom you ask) and is more or less a computerized version of fantasy
role-playing games such as Dungeons and Dragons.  MUDs are found on the
Internet via the telnet command.  There are almost as many different
MUDs as there are home pages.  Much like a lot of other resources you'll
find through the Internet and World Wide Web, MUDs are completely free
of charge.

There are several different kinds of MUDS; MUDS devoted to a science
fiction genre, MUDS set in an apocalyptic world, MUDS set in a modern
day city overrun with vampires, and more.  The most popular type of MUD
seems to be fantasy/sword and sorcery oriented.  One such MUD, located
on IFU.NET out of New Jersey, is The Farside.

In Farside, you control a character - a dwarf warrior, for instance, or
an elven cleric - in a fantasy world.  Everything you see is text.
Beyond rudimentary ANSI color, there are no graphics.  Farside (and all
of the other MUDs) are more like one of the old Infocom text adventures
than it is DOOM or even MYST.

You control your character by typing.  You read descriptions of where
you are in the game on the screen and respond accordingly.  If you want
your electronic avatar to walk north, you type north.  If you see
someone else in the game you want to talk to, you use a command called
SAY.  The commands for moving around, picking things up, and interacting
with other players and monsters are many and varied, and you can usually
find a way to do whatever it is you want to do.

When you first telnet into Farside, you're asked to choose a name for
yourself.  You'll find all sorts of names on Farside.  Anything from the
more theme-sounding Draeger and Arundel to the not-quite-so-medieval
names of Slitha and MistyBlue.  Choose a name you're comfortable with;
if you're like most players, you'll be stuck with it for quite a while.

Next for your character is race (anything from a human or an elf to a
lizard man) and profession.  Professions range from the powerful warrior
(who's a tad bit short on brains) to the mage, who couldn't swing a mean
sword to save his life.

While both race and profession are important to your success in Farside,
the latter is probably just a bit more so.  General consensus is that
the Warrior class is the easiest to gain levels with.  The higher the
level you are - up to level 51 - the stronger your character is.  Other
classes (such as the Mage), while harder to advance in, make up for that
with more spells and different abilities.   A good character to start
out with is a human Martial Artist.  The Martial Artist isn't quite as
tough as the Warrior, but he does have more opportunities to learn
spells and is thus a little more interesting to play.

Once you've chosen your race and profession, you're ready to play.  New
players (or newbies, and they're wont to be called) start out in the
middle of a medieval city called Midgaard.  They then wander around,
mapping as they go, looking for low-level monsters to kill (to gain
experience for advancing in levels) and better weapons and armor to make
themselves more able to kill the aforementioned monsters.

You start out at level 1 with the goal of advancing to level 51.  This
usually takes many months of real time work and exploration.  At level
51 the player becomes a Hero, and can choose spells, skills, and
abilities from any profession, regardless of what profession he started
out in.  There are 999 levels of Hero, which can potentially keep the
player busy for a very long time.  The next step after Hero is Immortal,
but few manage to attain that level.  Immortal status is only given by
invitation, and only then if a slot in the ranks of Godhood happens to
be open.

Players traverse the imaginary countryside of the Farside world slaying
monsters and participating in quests run by the Immortals.  Quests can
involve anything from solving riddles to finding the most potions and
bringing them to an Immortal at an appointed room in the MUD.  Quests are
usually rewarded with gold (used to buy items in the stores in Farside)
or renames of weapons and armor.

While killing ogres and questing for prizes, players also discover a
very fortunate side-effect; meeting other players just like them.
Players can "group" to fight high-levels monsters and, while healing
from the battles, talk and get to know one another.  Several
long-lasting friendships have began on the MUD, between people in all
different parts of the world.

There are several different areas full of monsters and treasure in
Farside, and the areas therein contained are one of the major
differences between Farside and other MUDs I've encountered.  There are
several "stock areas" floating around the Internet, and most fantasy
MUDs use these.  Farside uses some of these as well but also offers
custom-made areas found only on this MUD.

Several of the immortals (the players who run the game) have taken it
upon themselves to improve the existing areas and make the game better
for all involved.

Crom, a college student somewhere in the real world but an Immortal
here, just recently remapped the entire Farside "world".  AsaMaro and
Marat, Farside Immortals from Dallas, Texas, are constantly working to
edit the games for spelling and grammar and to make sure that the game
keeps it's fantasy oriented theme.

Farside enjoys many resources outside the actual MUD as well.  Aegis and
Snikt (who, along with Rox, Dizzy, and DaWiz, runs the MUD) have worked
together to create a Farside Home Page on the World Wide Web.  AsaMaro
writes a bi-weekly newsletter about Farside entitled The Farside
Gazette.  TMeat, a relatively new player and Asst. Editor of Sunlight
Through the Shadows Electronic Magazine, recently created a page that
contains links to other Farside players home pages.

Farside is one of the most innovative and exciting MUDs on the Internet.
Despite recent site problems (the MUD has changed sites twice in the
last year) and a little too much political strife among the Immortals it
looks to be around for a long time.  With recent command and spell
additions, as well as the editing and area remapping, Farside seems to
just keep getting better.

Farside can be reached by telnetting to mud.atinc.com 3000.  The Farside
Home Page can be reached by pointing your WWW browser at
http://tick.atinc.com/mud.html, and the Farside Players Page can be
reached at http://www.crl.com/~lsaiken/far.html.


Memories of Farside
by Flute

 We all have memories, in the real world and on farside. During the 10
months I have ben on Farside, as Flute, I have seen it grow and change.
Sometimes for worse, but most of the times for the best!! :) Through this
little passage of time I'm about to share with you, I hope to trigger some
of your memories.
 My travels on farside have led me to come across some very interesting and
sometimes amusing characters, and i was fortunate enough to capture these
moments with the use of a capture file in Telix.
 Many of you dont know, but i started my journey on farside as a Mage.
A mage who i called Missy. I was firstly greeted by Maverick who helped
me through MudSchool and told me the rules of farside and told me it was
important to group on farside :) He made me feel welcome and I thankyou
Maverick. :)
 I was level 8 when I grouped with Dyrian (who
no long plays) and Draeger (who
we all know and love *grin*). Draeger was level 9 and we bravely challanged
the patrolmen of gangland! I think i died several times in the attempt! :)
 While we were doing this Lloth and Silk were
having a lovely conversation over
the Chat channel which went something like this..

Lloth chats ' I would GLADLY get beaten up to beceom an IMM! :)'
Silk chats  ' I Would Gladly beat you up if you got it before i did
Lloth Chats ' I would gladly get beated up by everyone every to log onto
              this place to become and IMM right now! :)

 Somehow i think both of them wanted to become an immortal :) And i think
they both eventually did.

I do not remember much more on farside as Missy. The next rendition is
at level
23 as Flute and I'll let the captured file speak for itself :)

[IMMORT] Vale is very happily ENGAGED to Res!
[23 CLE] Flute who leveled 5 times in 2 days..
[2 HERO] Silk boxes
[3 HERO] Mega the Cyborg hero
[ GOD  ] Crom the God of destruction and Other nastiness
[41 WAR] Diamante, winner of the #death magnet award
[33 RAN] Draeger has almost completed one of lok's challenges!
[DEMIGOD] Mendek is AFK, beep for help
[35 WAR] johnus wants to level sometime this week
[6 HERO] Samson thinks it's bad luck to be supersticio
[47 RAN] Fudd us tracking YOU.
[44 WAR] Nemisis(ART), Loyal  attendant of Mega and Dazed..

 2 levels later i had to leave for summer (3 months) over christmas.. Just
before i left I once again captured the moment :)
nobody wanted me to leave.... dazed, nemisis, knife, and ryu all used the
socials to cry etc :) was such a sight...
here's how the who looked at the time..

[33 MAR] Knife the expert of the escape technique
[ 8 War] Arundel the frequently beaten swordsman
[8 HERO] Rackhir (km) The red archer priest of Phum
[4 HERO] Dazed, illigitimate child of vale and Res
[40 mar] Ryu the expert of the golden lama
[3 hero] Mega the cyborg hero

I think my favourite one is Dazed all my friends had either left farside, or
become IMM's or Hero's!!
I came back wearing equipment that no longer existed! who can remember the
rings with leny's emblem, of the farside amulets and the titantic
armplates of
hercules!! I bet many of you oldies can :)
 Who could forget the town crier!! Hero's and
Immortals enjoyed announcing that
somebody had leveled before the town crier did! And the famous Mayor of
Midgaard, he always shouted how much he enjoyed being mayor, until somebody
decided that they'd had enough and shut him up by killing him :) Yet he
mysteriously rise from the grave to announce which gate he had opened or
Also at the point there was another interesting converstaion going on :)

Shelby chats ' is there anyone in Hell?'
mendek chats' Hitler!'
Berecky chats ' lets hope not'
chops chat ' going in or already in?' :) '
shelby chat's 'on mud :)'
Mendek chat 'oh hehe'
sphynx chats ' <---- is going :)'
shelby chats 'never mind, thanx tho'

and yet another one.. :)
sorrow chats 'this is the most player friendly mud i've ever been on'
berecky chats' it's not very strict'
slade chat's 'yeah this mud rules'
berecky chat's 'yeah it's the nicest one i know'
berecky chat's 'i love you all'
Theplayer chat's 'boy snikt is gonna think this mud is too nice !'

Also at this time the imms all seemed to tell us what they were doing in
titles... Amos was enganged to Diamante, Blex was the god of evil (but
we may
already have known that) mendek was building a tick library and chops was
macaroni's groupie. I was level 31, evel was level 35 and marik was level
36...and a conversation between kylara and theo went something like this...

Kylara chat's 'later??? i just got here'
Kylara chat's 'trying to get rid of me?'
Theo chat' 'ooh no.. never that!'
kylara chat's 'ok i've died enough, anyone want to group?'
Theo chat's ' I dont group... but i will... sacrifice...:)
Beauford chat's 'i dont think you could ever be predictable theo
Diamante chat's ' in a lovable sort of way' (talking about the sacrifice)
theo chat's 'aww at least somebody loves me ;-)
Kylara chat's 'oohh! Theo I do <wink>
Theo Chat's 'ooooohhhhh'
Theo chat's ' Maybe i'll ask you to prove it later kylara....

hmm i wonder what was happening here :) :) <hopes kylara doesnt do anything
nasty now :)>

And i grouped with the master of all quests, darkyn, when i was level 31
and he
was level 25!!!! I had completely forgotten this until i looked at my logged
files!!!! Remember i mentioned earlier that i met some amusing
characters, well
darkyn is one of those (sorry darkyn *grin*).. For example while we were
healing Darkyn got extremely bored and started to sing accross the music
channel which went something like this..

Darkyn musics 'meow meow meow meow'
Darkyn musics' meow meow meow meow'
Darkyn music ' meow meow meow meow'
Darkyn Musics 'meow meow meow meow'

this went on for quite some time until someone payed attention to him :)
And if i remember correctly darkyn never failed to make me laugh...

Well that's about all folks.. hope you enjoyed this trip down memory
lane :) If
you have something tucked away in your memory somewhere in relation to
i'm sure we'd like to hear from you :)

Your funloving Cleric hero,


                               *Newbies Ask*
                            Answers from Arundel

 This column is (mostly) written from real questions submitted by players
on Farside.  Submissions are welcome...please...Those who send me
questions are REWARDED.  Send any questions, especially the "stupid"
ones, to jring@transend.com.tw.  Put "newbies ask" as the subject and you'll
get a prompt personal reply.

 > What's leveling gear, and is it really important?

YES!!!  Leveling gear is gear that adds points to your stats, namely
wisdom  and constitution.  The higher your wisdom, the more practices you
get,  so ALWAYS have something on that adds wisdom when you level.
Low-level  items are that new feather thing, the glasses from the
Training Village, and the linen robe. There are many others, such as the
Thain Girth, which add more to wisdom than the other items above...later
on,  you'll get a Ciquala's Staff, which will pretty much max your wisdom
and intelligence all by itself.  Now, the higher your constitution, the
more hp you get when you level, so, of course, Mages should pay special
attention to this one.  Since the mods, however, I have no idea what
adds points to your Con.  Remember, after you level, put on your +int
gear before you practice...smarter students learn faster, right?

 > OK...then what other kinds of gear are there?

Well...there are five types that I know of...leveling gear, which I just
discussed, healing gear, mana gear, combat gear, and Imm gear.

HEALING (or hp) GEAR is gear that gives you more hit points and moves...
You already have some...the pink ice rings.  Each one gives you about 8
hp,  right?  Other pieces of equ that give you such benefits include the
brownie bracers, which give you both hp and moves, and the  Broaches of
Life, which you can wear at about level 28.  Eventually, you will get
the Sentri's stuff, which is almost a complete set of armor with +hp
benefits...with full hp gear, as a Hero, I add close to 700hp to my
total.  It just takes a while, that's all.   Adding moves can also be a
part of healing...when you finally get your horseshoes, don't throw away
your Elven boots.  Those little babies add over 200 moves to your total,
so you should put them on while you sleep.

MANA GEAR is really important for everyone but warriors, but if you're a
warrior, you STILL have to read this, because someday you will be a
Hero.  ;)   The poor mages, with their lower strength, still have to
carry around three sets of armor in order to get all the hp, mana and
combat strength they can.  Mana gear adds a whole lot to what a mage can
do.  Low-level mana gear includes the linen robe...ask around for other
examples. I don't know what they are at that level because I never even
owned a piece of mana gear until I heroed, and my link is down tonight,
so I can't log on and ask around for you.

COMBAT GEAR is just what it sounds like...stuff for fighting.  Woe is
the player who teleports into the Alien Hive in full mana gear, like I
did the other day...I was changing into combat gear between each time I
cast heal on myself.  Oops...Combat gear generally has a higher AC than
your other gear and includes plusses to your hit and damage rolls.  In
full  mana gear, my hit/dam is only about 30/40, but in combat gear, my
hitroll is 53, and my damroll rockets up to 73.  (You get to see what
they are at about level 15 or so.)  Of course, I don't have all the
stuff I could have, but, well...two more rings and my damroll could be
close to 80.  I suppose I could enchant my sword a couple of times, too...

IMM GEAR...well, that just about says it all, doesn't it?  This is what
a lot of us would like to wear someday...From what I've seen when Imms
report, Imm gear tends to add MASSIVE amounts to just about everything
you have.  I remember Lloth reporting something like 25,000 hp and equal
amounts of mana...it boggles the mind. But, then again, they don't have
to fight, do they?

 > Gee, this is all really interesting, but comp doesn't say anyting
about +int, +dam, or anything like that. How do I know what to wear?

Scrolls.  One word...scrolls.  No, make that two words...scrolls and

Scrolls of Identify are available for a small fortune at the Magic
Shop.  They cost around 2100 gold each, which is really worth it to find
out that a piece of equ is taking three points off your strength (yes,
there ARE pieces out there that someone with a warped sense of humor
decided to code into reality.)  If you ever see the price fall, load
up...I bought 150 scrolls of identify one day when the price fell to
only 9 gold apiece.  They DO disappear quickly...think about how often
you get a piece of equ off a corpse.

Friends are your MOST valuable asset here on Farside.  A mage friend
with the identify spell, or getting to know a hero, will pay off big
time...you can pass your new sword to him, her, or it and say
"hey...could you..." and there you go, you've saved yourself 2100 gold.
Certain unscrupulous individuals actually demand gold for this
service...refuse to pay and go somewhere else.  Or ask a Hero.
ID is pretty cheap for us, mana-wise.  I think it costs me about 12 (my
max is 1580.)

 > Then how do I read it?

Reading the stats from ID is really easy...self-explanatory, really.
The only confusing part is AC...the LOWER your AC is, the BETTER it
is...My AC for combat is below -400.  Yes, -400, as in 400 below zero.
You will actually be able to see a numerical value for your AC when you
hit level 25. Therefore, if you see something has a minus to AC, it's
GOOD.  Minus to save vs. whatever is good, too...all part of armor.
These minuses are figured into your opponents' rolls, so that's an easy
way to understand it.


Day Old Goblin Fodder
by Marik

        My morning started early, and I showed it.  Perhaps I had one
meade too many at Werith's last night, or perhaps my 315 years were
catching up with me. More likely, it was a sorry combination of both.  In
either case, I felt like day old goblin fodder, but what could I do?
There was work to be done.

        The short walk to Midgaard's main keep cleared my head a bit and
the mixed smells of a dozen cooking breakfasts brought my stomach to
vivid life.
        Seeing the grey-haired old healer by the fountain, I waved at him
and thought, "If Aelmon can get up this early, surely I can." We
exchanged brief pleasantries and I was on my way.
        Spotting a young waif, I tossed him an Imperial crown and barked,
"Bring me some goat milk and a hung of cheese kid and you can keep the
change if you hurry." It was probably an illusion played on me by my
still groggy senses, but I could have sworn I only saw the bottom of the
kid's feet as he scrambled off towards the central market.
        The hair on my neck suddenly stood errect as I heard the most
hellish grumble echoing from the stone walls. Drawing my sword in a
reflexive defense, I scanned for the unknown beast. Surely it was some
Balrog up from the pits of Moria to feed on the citzenry of Midgaard.
        Sheepishly, I looked around to see if anyone had noticed the
spectacle that I had just made of myself over a rumbling gut. "Thanks be
to the gods," I thought. "Nobody here but Aelmon." I was sure I could see
a little sneering grin on the corners of his mouth. "Old geser," I
thought to myself.
        The patter of small feet on cobblestone caught my attention next.
Looking up, I saw my breakfast on its way back in the form of a cloth
totesack clutched in the hand of a dirty little street urchin.  "He
better not have gotten me the stale stuff to save himself more change, I
thought to myself," but only smiled at him, because that's what heroes do.
        Spreading my breakfast on a cloth, I sat down in eager
anticipation. I was so hungry at this point that I could have eaten a
Stennegian war bear, armor and all.  I inhaled deeply, savoring the aroma
of the fresh bread and cheese, when I felt an all too familiar prickling
at my temples. "Oh man, not now!," I began to think, until my thoughts
were snapped shut by the presence inside my skull.
        "Novice Mage killed by a hobgoblin in the caves of Moria,"
whispered a disembodied voice. I nodded my head in affirmation, and
slumped as the presence left me.
        Sighing, I folded the corners of the cloth and tied my breakfast
in a bundle. "You'll keep a while longer I guess," I thought to myself as
my mind switched into business mode.
        "Moria," I considered. "Should I walk?"
Deciding on a faster approach, I strapped my gear tighter and uttered the
words, "Teleport Hobgoblin." The air began to swirl around me in ever
faster whirlpools. Almost as suddenly, the air disolved into a shower of
sparks that fizzled and evolved into nothingness.
        Gritting my teeth, I muttered, "ARGHHHHHH!" Ok, well maybe I
didn't mutter it and maybe it wasn't arghhh, but it was a while ago and
my memory is bad.
        "OKie, plan B," I though, as I waited for the arcane power to
dissipate completely.
        Raising my arms skyward, I carefully articulated, "Portal
Hobgoblin."  To my complete, and rather smug, satisfaction, a glimmering
portal slowly raised itself from the cobblestone street. Out of some
peverse Drow curiousity, I looked into it for a moment even though I knew
it to be a waste of time. You never could see the other side of a portal.
        I drew my sword and dagger and leaped into the shimmering
gateway, wondering how hard it would be to find this kid's corpse.
        Expecting a cake walk, you can imagine my surprise as I emerged
from the gate and didn't find myself in Moria. Instead, I was face to
face with some bizzare, shelled alien creation standing over a webbed
hobgoblin. (Who was obviously going to be breakfast!)
        Focusing within myself, I tried weave the mystical forces into an
aura of protection around me. "Sanctuar," is all I managed to get out
before a dozen stingers imbedded themselves in my armour. I knew playtime
was over.
        I didn't bother to scream a warcry, as I doubted it would phase
this beast whatsoever. Instead, I concentrated on blocking the blows of
its razor sharp claws as I looked for a weakspot. Thinking to decapitate
the monster, I waited until just the right moment and brought my sword
down on what looked like its neck with all the force I could muster. I
swung so hard that both my feet came off the ground.
        Instead of the satisfaction of a thump as its head hit the cave
floor, I was greeted with the bone-wretching impact of an iron pipe on
stone and the ear splitting ring of a hammer on an anvil.
        "Uh oh," was all I could manage to think. My finders were numb on
the hilt of my sword. It was all I could do th keep this fiend's pincers
from my throat. In desperation, I lunged my offhand dagger forward into
the creature's thorax.  Surprisingly, it slid in with ease.
        Green foam gurgled from the mandibles of the beast in a torrent
as it screamed a high pitched wail that I hope to never hear again.
Almost as quickly as the battle had started, it ended. The beast fell
forward with a thud.
        I decided to spare a moment and examine this monstrosity a bit
closer.  However, just as I leaned forward, what I know must have been a
meter thick tentacle emerged from the darkness like a bullwhip, wrapped
around the thing, and snatched its corpse away into the darkness.
        The poor webbed hobgoblin was frantic by this point. In a rare
moment of pity, I slashed the webs that bound it and it scurried off into
the darkness, probably as someone's brunch tomorrow.
        Deciding that this place definitely lacked hospitality, I uttered
the word, "Prayer," and suddenly found myself on a dirt street gods know
where.  "Well, at least it's somewhere civilized," I mused and refocused
on my original task.
        Making a circle in the sand, I whispered, "Scry hobgoblin."
Slowly, an image formed in the sandy circle.  A hobgoblin fighting a mage
and a corpse on the floor of the room. Looking closer, I realized it was
Evel, the mage heroine.
        "Good deal," I thought to myself and whispered, "Teleport Evel."
        In a flash I was standing in a small room with her, a badly
mutilated  corpse (Hated to think what the kindly old Aelmon was going to
charge the kid for reconstructive conjurations). Oddly, there was some
sory of strange goo on the walls. I wondered what it was, til I realized
the hobgoblin was missing.
        "A bit of overkill wouldn't you say?" I said with a half grin.
        "Shaddup, I got here didn't I?" she retorted with that smirk that
she knew drove me insane.
        "Yeah, Yeah," I replied. "I got um, side tracked."
        "Prolly feeding your face," she said as she poked me in the ribs
and smiled.
        "Ugh, my breakfast," I said. "Let's get this kid back on his feet
and I can get back to it.
        She made a motion with her hands and said the words, "Summon,"
and nothing happened.
        "Hmmm," I thought, and did the same thing, with the same result.
        Using a spell that magically enhances sounds, I whispered, "Get
off that cloud kid, and move away from Nom."
        "Why?" came a weak reply.
        "Because that area is so ripe with magic I can summon you out of
it," I whispered back.
        A moment later, the kid was standing before us rifling his own
corpse. (Which always tended to unnerve even the bravest. I thought it a
riot, except of course on the rare few occasions that I had to do it
        Anyway, the kid cast a recall spell and was gone faster than my
drinking money on a Friday night. I asked Evel if she wanted to have some
breakfast with me, but was told that she was going back to bed. (Her
sister was coming to visit us and she was going to need sleep to cope. I
wondered if I couldn't find some quest  for the next day or two, but
that's another story.)
        I portaled to Aelmon's sanctuary once again, thoughts of fresh
cheese were driving me insane by this point.
        It must have been the look on my face, or maybe something I said,
but Aelmon suddenly errupted into a fit of laughter and literally
collapsed on the street.  Where my neat little bundled breakfast had
been, there was only a chewed up piece of cloth and some wet fido tracks.
        "Ye gods!" I screamed. "That does it!"
        Without another word, I stomped off down the street, following
the wet tracks of the sorry creature. There was going to be the devil to
pay for this henious crime, and today, the devil's name was Marik!


Interview with the Prime Assassin
by Sorrow

S: Well, mr. Prime Assassin, you seem to be in a good mood today.

PA: Oh, call me Big-guy, all my friends do.

S: Ah, yes...Big guy.

PA: Ahhhh...that's so much better. *wriggles in seat* Well, I am in a
     good mood today. I woke up this morning, found a level 8 traipsing
     around the premises. I backstabbed him into oblivion.  I could tell
     that this was going to be a good day.

S: Uh-huh. *Slight pause* Yes, well, as my next question was what do you
   do every day and could you give me an example, I'll let you continue.

PA: Thank you. After that I had my breakfast of beef...

S: (breaking in) Ah, what farm do you get it from?

PA: Well, I have the bull from New Thalos brought it.  I mean brought
     in. The meat makes me dizzy.

S: Is it well done or rare?

PA: Raw.

S: Pardon???

PA: I have to watch out though. Yesterday when I killed it I
     accidentally backstabbed it, and it sort of evaporated.

S: (winces) Ouch.

PA: Usually I kick it.

S: Yeah, whatever. Continuing on...

PA: Ah yes. Well, after that a hero came traipsing through, looking for
     my tattoo.  (Displaying broad forearms) See? A dragon.

S: Very nice, very nice.

PA: Anyway, I took some damage there. (Shows some bruises on chest, and
     a small cut on thigh) I got him in the end, though.

S: Well, looks like that's almost all the time we have today.

PA: Wait! I'm not done! There's still dinner?

S: Yech.

PA: Yeah. Usually I have the Manticore, but if i want fish I summon a
     few sharks from the ocean.

S: We really have to go.

PA: But- (P-A is cut off abruptly)

S: Bye everyone!


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